so i'm at this party in west hollywood. in walks this typically predictable white chick slingin' the low waist jeans with the slightly belled (& of course slightly long) bottoms, some lacy black top with the spaghetti straps, & heels that are obviously an inch or three higher than the flip-flops, flats, or sports shoes she's used to wearing when the camera isn't on. yep she's got her unoriginal like all the other white American cunts uniform on: check, check, & check.
the Lifetime Network says she's "edgy without being slutty" so who the fuck am i anyway.........
not too long after she walks in someone i didn't ask informs me that "she's on some soap opera" which means nothing to me because i work with bigger "stars" than that on a television show that i don’t even watch. so anyway i'm in the kitchen grabbing a drink trying to surmise if anyone has any K which i doubt since we're in California & this is probably a coke/meth crowd while wondering if i should run outside & grab my Shout At The Devil disc in my friend's car.
i was staring out the window mentally scrolling through what would be a better song than the one we were listening to when soap opera chick swanks in: joins conversation.....makes some statement that she'd rather be "leaning up against a motorcycle listening to the Kinks because she's more rock n roll than the music playing" etc etc etc. this makes me want to throw up in my mouth. i don't know why. let's just call it instinct. i turn like a shark who just smelled blood in the water. i ask, “oh yeah you like the Kinks ?? what's your favorite album ??"
YES my loyal readers.....i know i know that's a trick question. they only had LIKE 30 ALBUMS about 10 of which had "Kinks" in the name but i'm going to continue my ruse.
is it a spoiler to say that we might have a complete coose in our midst ??? actually the director just told me "no that's just foreshadowing" so we're all good.
[FADE IN....i enter stage left no make that right & narrate directly into the camera]
little does this cunt know she's trapped in a corner with a rattlesnake. there's no way out but through. there's only one apple she can bite right now to make quick friends with that serpent. BUT if she's playing an honest card she will only see this cowboy once & will safely be on her way in a matter of moments. all pre-judgments will be kicked to curb. i'll even figuratively "buy" her a drink. OR ===> She’s the wizard behind the curtain right now. All she needs to do is come clean, reveal her true self, & all will be forgiven. An "I don't know why i just said that because i don't really know" will feed the beast & he will be on his way. but if she continues to play the gloom & doom mask up on the movie screen well let’s just say that she’s gonna need to pray the devil back to hell if she doesn’t really mean it. don’t climb in the ring & expect to never get punched. i mean FUCK WE'RE NOT IN IOWA HERE. she's in the "business". she should know.
she of course fumbles because she realizes Classic Rock hits of the 60's or Jock Jams 5 is not going to float as passable answers. as she continues to peddle through 20 seconds of silent searching seems like eternal damnation i decide to throw her a bone...a get out of jail free lifeline bonus question if you will. "OK what are your 3 favorite songs then ???"
i figure the bitch should probably be able to name You Really Got Me & Lola. All she needs to do now is come up with All Day & All of the Night or Where Have All The Good Times Gone or Set Me Free or even Tired of Waiting for You (which Green Day covered) & she's home free. hell she might have even picked up Well Respected Man from the Juno soundtrack which in that case the bell will ring DING DING DING & Bob will excitedly ask the announcer "What do we have for our big WINNER !!".
Of course she comes up with the 1st 2 & desperately tries to come up with a 3rd before i let her in on a little secret: "Look if you a need a naughty gimmick you can't buy in a store to show that you're something cooler than that safe lower middle class from the Valley background your hair, make-up, & bad taste in heels stamps on your forehead play it a little better next time. if you're gonna belly up to the bar at least be prepared for the party at hand. at least Wikipedia that shit 1st like a good lil cracker fake before you open your mouth & try to pretend you're something that you're not.....we all know who WE are.....why don't you figure out who YOU are."
[cue Chopin's Funeral March]
let me just close with this. if you have not smoked someone else's cigarette butt off of the ground, or eaten their leftovers, done drugs in public, slept on a park bench, been homeless, shared a drink from the same bottle with a bum, lived in ANY state with no family or immediate friends to help you out, been called a faggot, any and/or all of the above ====> there's absolutely NOTHING "rock n roll" about you so try on another costume. it takes A LOT more than name checkin' a band or buying a leather bracelet. now why don't you go irritate some cool people with that gay-ass phone of yours, text emoticons to all those fair-weathered dildos you call friends, & buy a soy caramel latte with your credit card like all the other safe something to fall back on butt-fucks.
OK ?????????
*KISSES*
disclaimer: sorry in the 2nd to last paragraph that was "pretend YOUR something YOUR not"
(wouldn't want anything to get lost in translation for the morons)
